forgive and forget?

mixed feelings

my grandad passed away ydae at 1511
he kena stroke more than 10 years ago
since then
he's been in a nursing home
can't talk
can't walk
can't do anything on his own
can't even recognise us
he's been in and out of hospital recently
fever and some medical complications
so, yah, we kinda expected it lah
he's 92 years old this year
long life eh
i'm not sure whether he had a fulfilling one or not
or does he have any unfulfilled wishes or regrets
oh well, guess i'll never find out

i saw him only once every year
yep, during CNY
visited him once at the nursing home
actually, i don't remember much about him ever since he suffered the stroke
my memories of him are of the times when he was healthy
when he was part of the cause of a fair bit of misery in my life
i don't deny dat my memories of him are not pleasant ones
but now dat my family has moved on
plus the fact dat he's gone
there's no point in bearing the grudge
actually, i'm not sure if i've forgiven him
but i'm quite sure i don't hate him
it's juz dat everytime i see him
those memories and hurt flood back
and i just can't behave like the younger grandkids
who readily shower him wif hugs and kisses
but i also don't behave as if i'm ready to kill him anytime lah
oh well
till now, i'm still kinda confused
let's just say i'm neutral towards him ba
*shrugs*

this morning
i participated in the ritual to house him in the coffin
looking at his body
i don't seem to recognise him
he didn't look like wat i remembered of him
i had this strange feeling
of not being able to relate the body to him
it sounds weird rite
but i'm really not sure wat i felt
it's just weird lah

anyways, let bygones be bygones yah
being my paternal grandfather
i guess he'll stay in a little part of my heart forever ba

on a lighter note
this is the 1st wake dat i've been to / participated
dat has internet connection
many thanks to the generosity of residents at telok blangah heights
hehe