我的外婆

missing her……

my maternal grandma passed away on 19 nov 2006
i visited her the day before she passed away
wif my neighbour, cousin, mum and sis
she looked healthy
had good appetite too
but there were a few points
dat made me feel dat something is amiss

for the 1st time in my life
she couldn’t recognize me
she thought i’m the daughter of my 大姨
she kept asking when my大姨 is going to visit her
now tinking abt it, mayb she knew her time was up soon
so she didn’t recognize me
coz she missed my大姨 too much and was yearning for her
my大姨is closest to her and visits her almost everyday
she kept asking if the lunar 9th month is over
she told me she dreamt of my grandpa (who passed away in 1989)
and he’s gonna fetch her to be wif him
but she told him to wait
(mayb coz she hasn’t seen all the pple who she wanna see yet ba)
but i guess it’s not really up to her to choose
coz a lot of her grandkids and great-grandkids
did not get to see her for the last time

she was always talked about dying
not wanting to be a burden to us etc etc
but never did she mention about my grandpa fetching her
mum said when a person is dying
he/she will dream of the “pple” who will come and fetch him/her
and these “pple” will tell the him/her roughly when they will come
so if an old folk/dying person keeps asking wat date/time it is
it’s a sign that he/she is about to go
oh well, there’s no scientific proof of it lar
but it’s “proven” at least for my grandpa and grandma

sometimes i can’t help but believe
the psychic ability dat horoscopes say scorpios have
and every time it happened
it never fails to amaze and shock me
i mentioned we visited her the day before she passed away
before we left, i found ants on her bed
and the bedsheets were soiled and dirty
so i requested the nurses to change them
they put my grandma on the wheelchair as they did the job
and we wheeled her out for some fresh air
we decided to leave her outside and she agreed
as our car reversed out of the nursing home
sitting in the front passenger seat
i waved goodbye to her and she waved back
suddenly, i had this strong feeling
that she’s saying her final goodbye
that after dat day, i will never get to see her again
there was this strange sad look in her eyes
dat i couldn’t put a finger on
the feeling made me uneasy
but i continued to wave at her until we were out of sight
and the very next day
news of her death came

her death was so sudden it shocked everyone
really devastating coz we were not prepared at all
we were even planning where to bring her for dinner on her bdae
according to the nurse who was wif her during her last moments
she was feeding her dinner
and suddenly she became unconscious
she was still breathing when they called for the ambulance
but by the time ambulance arrived
there was no more life in her
paramedics tried to resuscitate her but to no avail

throughout the 5-day wake
i felt as if i was doing all the chores for someone else
don’t know who, juz someone else,
anyone, anyone, but her
i was jolted back to reality, to the fact dat it’s her funeral
only when i’m alone or whenever my thoughts wander
coz the chores are mundane
so, most of the time
i was talking to my cousins about work and stuff
or detached, lost in my own world
zombified by shock and lack of sleep
and doing the chores wif a blank mind
so i keep forgetting dat it’s my beloved grandma
who’s lying in the cold wooden box behind the picture
plus the fact that it is closed
makes it even easier to forget who’s lying in there
and also, the photo was taken 47 years ago
so i can’t really relate it to the face of the grandma i’ve known

now tinking back
i tink the primary reason of me forgetting is becoz
throughout the wake, i haven’t really accepted the fact that she’s gone

the forgetting part is kindof good
coz i probably would have cried a lot more
if i were to see her face every time i walk past her

dunno wat to say of a funeral
it seems like a happy and sad event
wat a paradox lor
happy for my grandma coz
she’s finally free from misery
(coz she often complains abt stuff in the nursing home)
and reunited wif my grandpas
but it’s really saddening
coz i’ve grown so attached to her
and she seems so happy to see me every time
i’m glad dat at least i’m able to put a smile on her face
during funerals, families seem to become more united
which is a happy thing too
coz with 4 generations and more than 100 pple in the family
it’s only during such times kids get to learn of the existence of their relatives
especially those of the same “rank”
the mourning cloth pinned on our clothes were of different colours
and the colours reflect the person’s relation to the deceased
one of my cousins’ kids was asking him
why he’s wearing a different colour
and he candidly replied “coz my rank higher than u ma!”
from then on, we used “ranks” to explain
wat colour reflects wat kind of relation
my 4-yr-old niece, Nadine, came up to me one day and said
“do u know that Reynard kor kor is my cousin?”
she said it wif so much excitement as if
it’s the most impt discovery in the whole wide world
i can’t help but smile at her innocent face and ask
“yes i noe dat. but do u know dat ur daddy is my cousin?”
she looked at me wif the “omg, u’re kidding me” look on her face
so cute lor
hahahaha

another sad thing about funerals is that
due to differences in opinion
and the degree of closeness everyone is to the deceased
not everyone will totally agree on the decisions made
but most choose to keep quiet
juz to avoid conflict and confrontation
it’s during such times when u can see the other side
and actually realize who are the ones closest to the deceased
my cousin’s wife mentioned something which set me thinking
“those who cried the most are the lower ranking ones”
and the ones who have the least say in decisions
or rather, they were too upset crying to decide anything else
i wonder if anyone else noticed that