disappointed…

had another massive crying session this morning
tink my colleagues muz be getting tired of me
haha
alone in the office now
not in the mood for lunch
guess it’s a good time to slim down now
too tired after all the crying
and i’ve got loads of work todae
fuck lah
…
read his blog this morning
got me so upset
it’s so damn unfair to me
never crossed my mind dat he’ll do such a thing
no, not dat i mind him airing his grievances
but i didn’t tink he’d do it in such a childish manner
i called my gal fren
she read it while i was crying over the fone
and she was like
…
how can he write such things
half the entry is about the last quarrel
and other half is about him
why does he keep toking about it
he juz can’t get over it
…
sigh
i never knew he had such an impression of me
i never knew he’d be so unfair towards me
he wrote of all the things he did for me
and all the hurtful things i’ve done to him
yes, I admit
he did all dat
i did all dat
but wat about all the things dat i did for him
and all the things dat he didn’t do
and all the times dat he disappointed me???
…
someone suggest dat i write my blog too
to clear myself
if not, it’ll look like i’m admitting to all dat he said
but i don’t see the need to
i’ve gone pass the "tit-for-tat" and "eye-for-an-eye" stage
plus i dun see the need to impress his frens
they can tink wat they want of me
4 chinese words
wen4 xin1 wu2 kui4
my conscience is clear
i’ve put my heart and soul into the relationship
and I dun have to answer to anyone
if they choose to judge me based on his one-sided story
so be it
…
i’m really wondering if he was ever happy for the past 1.5 years
well, guess it doesn’t matter now, does it?
mayb it was a mistake right from the start

long silent ride..

i’m still single
any takers??
haha
…
met him for a talk [read: fruitless] last nite
said he’s open-minded
mentally prepared for both best- and worst-case scenarios
wouldn’t blame me
i’m free to say anything
he’s all ears
juz say wat i tink
bullshit
barely halfway into wat i wanted to say
he defensively refuted back in a quarrelsome manner
and said all the things that he said before
he can’t seem to let go of stuff
he’s already got a fixed mindset of me
dat i haven’t done enough
and dat i’m simply an angry person
quote
even if i wipe the slate clean now, you would still be angry at something rite?
unquote
dat, plus some other things he said last nite
made me unable to imagine a future with him
…
walked out of the car 3 times
at the 3rd time, i blurted out
look who’s toking abt walking away man
he refuted [still in a quarrelsome manner]
wat walk out? this is my car leh!
2 hokkien words
lan lan
i can’t say anything else, can i?
he’s doin all the things he dun like me to do
and he doesn’t seem to realise it AT ALL
someone shld buy him a mirror
all the ideals, expectations i tried so hard to compromise
mean nothing to him at all
all juz a bunch of bullshit
he doesn’t practise wat he preach
how can i trust him for life
…
well, tink i better stop here
lest pple tink i’m trying to demonise him and gain pity
to me
there’s no absolute right or wrong in relationships
it takes 2 to clap
it’ll be unfair to push all the blame to either party
oftentimes, things juz happen
…
to conclude
i was told to tink abt wat he said
he din even say anything new
i’ve heard all that before
dats exactly wat i’ve been tinking abt since he broke up wif me last wed morning
everyone’s telling me
aiyah, nothing wrong with you guys wat, juz have to try give in to each other loh
if you tink he’s worth it, den juz keep trying lah
can work things out together if u both put in the effort
after giving much thought
i met him with the intention to say "let’s juz try continue trying"
well, looks like he’s not very keen on the idea
i’m tired
really
i’ve learnt that quotes like "love conquers all"
and "love endures everything" are bullshit
…
oh yah, to all u guys out there
when u break up wif a girl
u dun haf to tell her best friend to take care of her
i’m not sure about u guys and ur best friends
but i can tell u
girls and their best friends take care of each other all the time
not only during times of sorrow
and they tell each other everything
…
i sat in a banana-coloured evo 7 on sun nite
erm..no, this has no link watsoever to wat i juz said
juz wanna mention
for the fun of it
haha

thank you..

to all my frens who have been and still are here for me
during this trying time of emotional outbursts

jingyi
xiang ru
soo hoon
doreen
johnson
edalene
rick
zhenjin
anthony
adelynn
nanfeng (even tho it's only 1 sms)

thank you for understanding
my need to cry
my need to stay silent
thank you for offering tissue, shoulder, hugs
and of coz, words of comfort
even when no words are said
your presence is sufficient

it was a long nite..

i'm single.

'nuff said

hehehe..

tok about xin1 you3 ling2 xi1
the moment the previous post was published
he called
recognising the ringtone on my hp
i was like
oh.my.god
feels good
really (:

outburst..

i have to write this now before i really cry out
...
..
.
was doin my work this morning
when i suddenly thought of the tsunami that happened on boxing day last year
that claimed 150,000 lives and made millions of others homeless
all of a sudden
i was imagining myself in the situation
[dun ask, i dunno why either]
it's been on my mind to go phuket for holiday
so i was imagining myself there
with gene of coz
and he somehow died
and i somehow survived
and how horrible the feeling is
the series of events that follow
telling his mum
telling my mum
telling his friends
the funeral
the questions
the distress
etc
and how terrible i feel
upset over his death
guilty for bringing him there with me
regretful of all the nasty things i ever said to him
and a whole lot of other feelings
how i slump into depression
and not get out of it ever again
etc
u noe
the whole lot of stuff juz came into my mind
juz like that
i had to stop work for a while to take a few deep breaths
[the kind u take when u r trying to hold back ur tears]
and blink a few thousand times
to clear my eyes and stop the tears from falling
trust me
it feels really really horrible to think of the unthinkable
and i really dun understand y i think of such stuff

i need to call him
juz to hear his voice
but he's having class now

alot to say..

hey hey
my blog's got readers
hehe
here i am
waking up my blog
not being lazy lah
told u my comp spoil mah
bz in office mah
u want me to clock OT juz to write my blog ar
hmm..
mayb i shld hor
hahaha
using my sis' comp nw
which is in my parents' room
.
well well...
last week's been ok
did quite a no. of things
watched closer with adelynn
alrite show lah
not much of a story line leh
toking abt 4 pple and their complex relationships
and how sex changed the relationships
.
i rebonded my hair!!
was pretty satisfied at first
but now my hair's all curled up near the shoulder area
looks juz like before
so sad
after spending 139 bucks
goin for a touch-up tmr afternoon
hope it gets batter
.
went to a temple at paya lebar to 拜太歲 (God of the year)
pple born in the yr of rooster, rat, rabbit and horse "clashes" wif him this yr
so gotta go thru some praying ritual to "neutralize" and ensure a gd yr ahead
.
went shopping wif gene and mum
no lah, din buy anything for myself
gene bought his leather shoes [finally! after a few shopping trips]
and my mum bought new clothes for my grandma
for my bro's wedding dinner on mon
.
went airport last wed
my best friend's gone for a holiday
in Aussie..Cairns
will be back on mon evening
her bdae was on 3 Mar
gave her her present when i went to see her off last nite
hope it's not confiscated at the Aussie customs
she's special
our friendship is special
there's an inexplicable kind of chemistry between us
well, u seldom/rarely/never lose and find friendship again rite
usually, for some reason [like graduating from school]
u lose touch with a close friend
and start drifting from there
until one finds the other
and start trying to be close all over again
for some kind of hidden agenda [like MLM/need to borrow $]
but if they realise their goal(s) cannot be achieved
they move on to another friend
it used to hurt me to find out about the hidden agenda my friends have
makes me feel cheated
but i've come to terms with it
c'mon, face it..humans are selfish
of coz i'm not saying that all friends are like that
i do find some of my friends and vice versa
and keep in touch / meet up
with no hidden agenda
but somehow we noe that it's just not the same as before
we'll juz update each other, bitch about society at large
and then go our separate ways again
till we meet for a cuppa again
but i pretty much believe in fate
if you can lose and find each other so many times
and pick up where you left off
as if there was no time gap in between
i pretty much like to attribute that to fate
hmm..
kinda missing her now..
i've sent many friends off at the airport before
but i tink only she can render that kind of emptiness i feel
.
alrite
tink i better go meet the zzz monster
gotta wake up at 5am tmr
5!!
wat an unearthly hour
but i'm really excited lah
hehe
bro's buddies will be here at 6
fetching the bride at 7
and i'm goin along!!
haha
.
nitey