outburst..

i have to write this now before i really cry out
...
..
.
was doin my work this morning
when i suddenly thought of the tsunami that happened on boxing day last year
that claimed 150,000 lives and made millions of others homeless
all of a sudden
i was imagining myself in the situation
[dun ask, i dunno why either]
it's been on my mind to go phuket for holiday
so i was imagining myself there
with gene of coz
and he somehow died
and i somehow survived
and how horrible the feeling is
the series of events that follow
telling his mum
telling my mum
telling his friends
the funeral
the questions
the distress
etc
and how terrible i feel
upset over his death
guilty for bringing him there with me
regretful of all the nasty things i ever said to him
and a whole lot of other feelings
how i slump into depression
and not get out of it ever again
etc
u noe
the whole lot of stuff juz came into my mind
juz like that
i had to stop work for a while to take a few deep breaths
[the kind u take when u r trying to hold back ur tears]
and blink a few thousand times
to clear my eyes and stop the tears from falling
trust me
it feels really really horrible to think of the unthinkable
and i really dun understand y i think of such stuff

i need to call him
juz to hear his voice
but he's having class now